Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Alien Invasion Survival Kit

A lot of my friends and fellow nerds like to talk about what they would do in case of a zombie attack. They plan their survival kits and debate whether it would be more effective to carry a machete or a flame-thrower. However, I tend to think all this talk about zombies is a little distracting. We are only a little more than 18 months away from December 21, 2012. Time to start planning for the end of the word, I say.

Now, apocalypses, raptures, the end of time, etc. are all pretty pointless to prepare for. However, anyone who watched TV during the 1990s knows that the Mayan calendar ends when it does because that is the date of the alien invastion. The big one. When we all get our brains turned into black oily goo that leaks out our eye sockets. Luckily, those of us who did watch TV in the 90s also know what to do to fight, shall we say, the future. Here is a list of the ten most essential things everyone needs to survive the alien invasion (in addition to your usual end-of-the-world supplies):
  • An ice pick. Remember, their weak spot is at the base of the neck.
  • A respiration mask. Like the kind people who don't want to get the flu wear. If you're going to go around stabbing aliens, you should protect yourself against an allergic reaction to their green blood.
  • Bee repellent. They carry the goo-causing virus.
  • Evidence against the government. Which you can use to blackmail them into giving you the vaccine.
  • Navajo connections. Their folklore tells many tales about our future invaders. Know your enemy.
  • An ancient cliff dwellings. The Anasazi built their homes on the cliffs with some mineral or metal in the stones that repels the aliens. Thus, one of these ancient structures would be an ideal hide out. Plus, the cool, dry air inside will be ideal to preserve all the food you'll need to hoard.
  • Medical equipment. Aside from the usual first aid stuff, if you're old enough to have been vaccinated for small pox, you will also need a portable sonogram to look for microchips and a scalpel to dig them out.
  • A flashlight. Have you ever seen your favorite FBI agents without one?
  • Cigarettes. There had to be a reason the CSM was smoking all the time. I bet he knew something....
  • Scully's cell phone number. For emergencies you can't deal with. Mulder's may also be useful, but just in case you can't get a hold of her. Remember, she is more reliable and resourceful than he is. And immortal.
Good luck, and remember: Trust no one.

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