Reviews: Some Recent Films

The Falling (Carol Morley, 2014)
When one of the pupils in a late-1960s all-girls school suddenly drops dead, her best friend starts displaying the same symptoms, her classmates following suit.  Are they sick?  Cursed?  Faking it?  Or is it all in their heads?  This bewitching exploration of teenaged sexuality provides no easy answers to these questions; however, for my part, I would actually have prefered it to be more ambiguous, as I felt the solution too heavily implied, perhaps due to the amount of coverage of Morley's research into mass hysteria.  Still, if you've ever wondered what would happen if Girl, Interrupted met The Devils, this is the film for you.  It's beautifully shot, edited, and sound designed, and the big revelation will leave you stunned.

A Royal Night Out (Julian Jarrold, 2015)

It's VE Day, and all of Britain has taken to the streets to celebrate.  All, that is, except for the royal family.  When Princesses Elizabeth and Margaret finally convince their father to let them go out incognito, it looks like they're in for a dull evening with some stuffy old courtiers, but then Margaret runs off, and it's up to Elizabeth, aided by an AWOL airman, to find her before she causes a scandal.  A cute little film that would have perhaps been better suited to television, A Royal Night Out was filled with a lot more humour than I expected it to be.  I had trouble, though, suspending disbelief for this mostly-made up tale (a recent Channel 4 documentary on the real royal night out suggests that their evening was far tamer); while Princess Margaret's characterisation was wholly believable, it was hard to imagine the Queen as a young princess.

Mad Max:  Fury Road (George Miller, 2015)
When Furiosa, one of the Citadel's most respected tanker drivers, helps the warlord's favourite "brides" run away, it provides the perfect opportunity for Max to escape.  Circumstances bring them together, and Max and Furiosa team up to race across the desert and bring the girls to safety.  A pace that never lets up, strong characterisation, and the effects--mostly done practically, not by CGI--look AMAZING.  You could level the criticism that, for a Mad Max movie, it really isn't about Mad Max, and so why didn't Miller just make a post-apolcalyptic movie about freeing sex slaves?  However, Fury Road delivers a message about female empowerment and liberation that really shouldn't be causing all the controversy it has (Empowered women in an action movie?? Oh, the humanity!).  But don't worry, meninists, there are so many explosions you'll hardly notice the feminism.  It will just seep into your tiny little brains while you're watching shit blow up, and, who knows, in a few hours time you might actually feel like treating women a little bit more like actual human beings. 

Review: The Avengers: Age of Ultron

While cleaning up a Hydra cell, the Scarlet Witch, a totally-not-mutant-you-heard-that-20th-Century-Fox? who can do pretty much whatever the script requires her to, puts some bad dreams in Tony Stark (a.k.a. Iron Man)'s head.  So he and Bruce Banner (Hulk's non-green alter ego) decide to use the magic thingy out of Loki's staff to create an A.I., Ultron, that will defend the earth from alien attack, achieving, as Tony puts it, 'peace in our time.'

Now, had Steve Rodgers (Captain America) come into the room at that very moment, this would have been a much shorter film.  Anyway, Tony's project has a similar effect to Neville Chamberland's surrender of the Sudetenland:  aided by his sidekicks Scarlet Witch and her twin brother, Quicksilver, who, despite having the exact same name and ablilities, is totally not the same one from the X-Men, Ultron sets about bringing down his creator and destroying humanity, all the while evolving himself into his ultimate form.  Only the Avengers can bring Ultron down, but that's not an easy task, as they're at odds and on the run (thanks to Hulk's uncontrolled smashing).

Now, I've seen people whinging on social media about how Age of Ultron wasn't as fun as the first Avengers movie, and yes, I would have to agree in a way.  But what Ultron lacks in playfulness, it make up for in maturity, not unlike The Emperor Strikes Back or The Godfather Part II.  Ultron is a lot darker, but also a lot deeper.  In creating Ultron, Tony plays God not unlike another well-known fictional scientist, and, like Dr Frankenstein, his creation also turns on him.  Meanwhile, Bruce's Jekyll-and-Hyde-like dualism is further explored, as, on the one hand, his relationship with Natasha (Black Widdow) makes him more human, but, on the other, he finds it increasingly difficult to come back from his Hulk state.  Futhermore, Ultron rectifies the first film's under-use of Hawkeye in allowing us a greater look into Clint Barton's private life. 

Age of Ultron provides some great cameo moments, bringing in characters from the Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor franchises, plus S.H.I.E.L.D. favourites like Nick Fury and Maria Hill.  But where were Pepper and Jane?  And it didn't seem like Cap and Thor were given very much to do (perhaps understandable, as they've got their own movies coming up).  Anyway, there were some nice character moments showing just how much the Avengers have bonded as a team, including a great sequence when they all try to lift Thor's hammer, which is brilliantly funny with an even better payoff later in the film. 

I just wish Marvel would realise that there are other ways to end a film other than destroying a city.

Future Me: I really have to learn not to review movies the minute I get back from seeing them. On rewatch, it's not as great as I was talking it up here, but it's not awful, either. 

Star Trek: The Motion Picture Round-Up

Recently I've unlocked the geek achievement of having watched all the Star Trek films.  Here's a round up of all twelve--which ones are classics, and which ones you should avoid like The Borg.

Note:  the number in brackets is my ranking.

The Original Series

Star Trek:  The Motion Picture, Robert Wise, 1979 [7]
Several years after the end of the television series, the now Admiral Kirk takes command of a newly refurbished Enterprise and goes after a mysterious entity known as V'ger that's threatening the planet.  Not quite as awful as its reputation suggests.  If you stripped away all the extraneous special effects (which do look great), you'd have a perfectly workable episode of the TV series... about 50 minutes out of a 2+ hour movie.

Star Trek II:  The Wrath of Khan, Nicholas Meyer, 1982 [1]
The second instalment of the movie franchise sees the return of a villain from the TV show's first season, the super-human Khan, who's hell bent on revenge.  Kirk and crew have to stop him from using the Genesis Device, a life-creating machine invented by the ex-Mrs. Kirk and her son, as a weapon of mass destruction.  Not only is the plot more focused than in TMP, but Kirk finally has to face up to the consequences of some of the total ass-pull moves he made earlier in his career, consequences that have deadly results for his closest friend.  Said death is the most poignant and tear-jerking in all of Star Trek.

Star Trek III:  The Search for Spock, Leonard Nimoy, 1984 [9]
My attempts to avoid spoilers in the previous synopsis have clearly failed.  Spock is still out there somewhere, so Kirk et al steal the Enterprise to go find him.  Although it does bring Spock back in a satisfactory manner, the film suffers from a lower budget and Nimoy's first-time direction.

Star Trek IV:  The Voyage Home, Leonard Nimoy, 1986 [5]
On their way back to face court-martial for stealing (and subsequently blowing up) the Enterprise, Kirk and crew find the Earth being threatened by some space whales, so naturally they have to travel back in time to present-day Earth to rescue a pair of humpbacks.   Yep.  While not quite as charming as, say, "The Trouble with Tribbles", TVH manages to capture the campy fun of the 60s series.

Star Trek V:  The Final Frontier, William Shatner, 1989 [12]
Spock's illogical half-brother steals the Enterprise to go look for God.  Apart from some nice character moments (and so much Ho Yay!), this is pretty awful.  Whose idea was it to let Shatner direct?

Star Trek VI:  The Undiscovered Country, Nicholas Meyer, 1991 [2]
On the eve of the Klingon's entry into the Federation, Kirk and McCoy are accused of assassinating their High Chancellor, and the crew must prove them innocent.  Better direction, better effects (featuring impressive morphs from a shape-shifting Iman), and a solid story, TUC is easily one of the best in the Star Trek film franchise.

The Next Generation

Star Trek:  Generations, David Carson, 1994 [11]
Captain Picard teams up with the thought-to-be long-dead Captain Kirk to defeat this guy who's destroying planets basically just so he can go to his happy place.  While the story wouldn't have made a bad episode of TNG, the addition of Kirk was unnecessary, making his death even more pointless than Lt. Yar's.

Star Trek:  First Contact, Jonathan Frakes, 1996 [4]
The Enterprise-E (yes, they blew it up again) travels back in time to thwart the Borg Collective's plan to stop humans from achieving warp speed.  Lots of  action, good effects, a bit of humour, and plenty of suspense.  It's a really clever way to let us see the most important moment in Star Trek's backstory.

Star Trek:  Insurrection, Jonathan Frakes, 1998 [6]
Picard and crew go rogue to stop a Federation plot to meddle in the affairs of a peaceful planet.  An intersting concept that plays out fairly well, though the silly campy moments aren't handled as well as in TVH. 

Star Trek:  Nemesis, Stuart Baird, 2002 [8]
The Romulan clone of Captain Picard seeks revenge on his creators, the Federation, and the Captain himself.  Again, an interesting concept that's entertaining, but I didn't like it because they killed off my all-time favourite Star Trek character for real and didn't even give him a funeral.

The Reboot

Star Trek, J. J. Abrams, 2009 [3]
Young Jim Kirk and co. have to stop a vengeful Romulan who's traveled back from the future and messed up the timelines.  Wonderful nods to TOS, great performances (especially from Zachary Quinto as he explores Spock's contradictory half-human half-Vulcan nature), and a perfect way to reboot the franchise while keeping everything from the originals canon.

Star Trek:  Into Darkness, J. J. Abrams, 2013 [10]
Kirk and the Enterprise crew must stop Benedict Khanberbatch from wrecking destruction across the galaxay.  References to TOS seem a bit more forced this time around, plus it continues to draw out the 'how Kirk became Kirk' angle instead of just letting him be Captain Kirk.  Really, it's just a shoddy remake of Wrath of Khan.

Reviews: The Films of 2014

2014 has been, well, quite a ride, to put it charitably.  Here's a look back at the films I've seen this year, reviewed and ranked from best to worst.

1.  The Lego Movie

Ordinary Lego figure Emmet gets mistaken for a Master Builder and has to stop Lord Business from destroying the universe with the Kragle.  Full of in-jokes, cameos, and heartwarming moments, The Lego Movie was the most fun I've had at the cinema in years.  Yes, the message of "don't follow the rules" does seem a bit incongruous coming from a massive corporation like Lego, but the story delivers it well.  Everything is awesome!




2.  Guardians of the Galaxy

Peter "Starlord" Quill teams up with Gamora, a deadly daughter of the god-like super-villain Thanos, the muscular, literal Drax, badass talking raccoon Rocket, and a sort-of talking ("I am Groot") tree to stop the genocidal Ronan from getting an Infinity Gem and destroying the universe.  My first reaction was "What was Stan Lee smoking?", but Guardians of the Galaxy was the kind of summer blockbuster we haven't seen for a long time.  It's got well developed characters and plot, humor, exciting action, looked amazing, and has a soundtrack full of awesomely cheesy 70s pop.  Proof, perhaps, that the comic book movie is far from becoming stale.  

3.  Paddington

Marmalade-obsessed talking bear from Deepest, Darkest Peru Paddington arrives in London looking for an old friend of his aunt and uncle's, gets taken in by the Browns, and, after they save him from an evil taxidermist, becomes part of their family.  Imaginatively directed by Paul King (who directed The Mighty Boosh on stage and TV), the film does justice to the beloved children's stories by Michael Bond:  it's funny, heartwarming, and gives a much needed reminder to British audiences about how you should treat the people who choose to come live in your country.  The one drawback is that the two villains, the Browns's racist neighbor and the unhinged taxidermist, were a bit over the top; their motivations didn't seem very believable.

4.  Captain America:  The Winter Solider

Someone within S.H.I.E.L.D. is trying to kill Nick Fury, so, with no one they can trust, Captain America and Black Widow team up to stop them and the mysterious Winter Soldier.  Great action, solid story with a lot of intrigue and suspense.  I think Hydra have become my favorite Marvel villain (and meme).  There's a lot that can be done with Steve Rogers as a concept and a character, and that's perhaps why the Captain America franchise is the best one in the Avengers universe.

5.  X-Men:  Days of Future Past

Wolverine travels back in time to the 70s to get Magneto and Professor X back together to stop Mystique from setting in motion the chain of events that will lead to the future annihilation of mutants and humans alike.  Highly entertaining with engaging action sequences, loads of laughs, and appearances from beloved characters we haven't see for a while.  Sadly falls back on an overblown, slightly implausible final battle, but still holds exciting prospects for a reboot of the X-Men franchise.

6.  The Hunger Games:  Mockingjay, Part 1

Lead by the militaristic and previously thought destroyed District 13, the people of Panem rebel against the Capitol.  Katniss is roped in as a propaganda tool to rally the nation; meanwhile, Peeta, captured after a daring escape at the last Hunger Games, is being tortured by President Snow.  As with the previous two Hunger Games films, Katniss's world is brought excellently to life, fleshing out the bits we don't see (but wanted to) in the books, and subtly showing us that which Suzanne Collins bluntly tells us.  Unfortunately, Mockingjay was the weakest of the trilogy, and, as with many book adaptations that have been split into two or more parts, it does not give a proper sense of ending.  

7.  The Hobbit:  The Battle of the Five Armies

Smaug attacks Laketown, Thorin Oakenshield lusts for power, and then Elves, Men, Dwarves, and Orcs all fight each other.  There is a lot of criticism to levy against Peter Jackson for trying to make less than 1/3 of The Hobbit into a feature length film that I won't go into here but that can be summed up as such:  amid the (needlessly) extended action sequences, material nicked from The Silmarillion, and made-up Elven girls, Jackson appears to have forgotten that the main character is, in fact, Bilbo Baggins.  Still, The Desolation of Smaug lowered my expectations so much that I was able to get some enjoyment out of the battle scenes.

8.  Muppets Most Wanted

Kermit gets mistaken for the world's most wanted frog, who uses the Muppets' European tour to pull off the ultimate heist.  The movie opened with the brilliant musical number "We're Doing a Sequel", which was about how sequels are never as good as the original.  Sadly, this was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Aside from some good jokes and the wonderful double act between CIA agent Sam the Eagle and his "European" counterpart from Interpol, it just didn't live up to the promise of The Muppets.  The story was a bit weak, and Walter is starting to get (even more) annoying.

Review: X-Men: Days of Future Past

 It's about 10 years in the future, and evil robots are killing both mutant and human alike.  So Wolverine gets sent back to the 70s to try to stop Mystique from killing the robots' inventor, Tyrion Lannister, because a) this causes the humans to fear mutants even more, and b) she gets captured, experimented on and her DNA used to make the robots invincible.  There's a catch, though:  to get to Mystique, Wolverine has to get Professor X and Magneto talking to each other again.  This is far from an easy task, as not only is the enmity between them strongest, but Magneto's in a high-security metal-free cell beneath the Pentagon for his involvment in the Kennedy assassination, and Xavier has forsaken his powers because 'Nam's such a bummer, man.

Like all the X-Men movies, Days of Future Past delivers highly engaging action sequences and loads of laughs, especially since time travel creates situations where we can laugh at people in the past's lack of knowledge of things to come.  (My favorite--Beast's monitoring system for 'all three networks--and PBS!')  And it was great to see so many of the characters we haven't seen since the last proper X-Men movie--Kitty Pride, Storm, Iceman, and the older Xavier and Magneto, and a few cameos that were awesome but way too spoilery to mention here.  It was a bit of a shame that some of less familiar mutants introduced in First Class were missing--they got drafted or worse--but at least we got to meet Quicksilver as a teenager straight out of That 70s Show. The sequence where he helps break Magento out of jail is brilliant.

The highlight of the film, though is young Xavier's struggle to become the man we all know he'll be.  Massively depressed due to the closing of the school (students and teachers alike were being drafted in too great numbers), feeling betrayed by Mystique and Magneto, and unable to use his powers due to the cure for his paralysis, Xavier seems to have turned into a drunken selfish dickbag.  But we come to realise that what he really has to overcome is fear--fear of all the pain and suffering his powers expose him to.  There is a wonderfully heartwarming moment when young Charles meets older Professor X.  The only way the scene could have been better would be had Professor X told him to 'make it so.'

One thing that annoyed me about the Days of Future Past is what also bothered me about Wolverine:  Origins and First Class:  the massive slightly implausible battle at the end.  Now, all the X-Men movies have one, but in the past setting, they seem even harder to swallow.  It's a big leap of faith to believe mutants caused the Three Mile Island disaster or were involved in the Cuban Missle Crisis.  This time, it's even more bizarre, involving a baseball stadium and the White House.

The other thing I thought could be better was more time with young Xavier and Magneto working together.  X-Men 2 is still my favorite because I love it when they have to team up.  After the break-out, I was hoping to see this, but their time working as a team is shortlived, though, and soon Magneto is back to doing Magneto things.

Other than that, X-Men:  Days of Future Past is 2+ hours (was it really that long?) of solid entertainment.  And it's got pretty exciting prospects for the future of the X-Men franchise.  Without saying too much, the end basically reboots the entire universe.  Which means two things.  First of all, with no future continuity to worry about, we can see more of the retro origin story type films.  Second, with things changed, it means there's a whole new set of present X-Men stories to explore, especially given the reappearance at the very end of some much loved characters.

Imagine if The Last Stand never happened.  Beautiful.

Movie Review Round-Up

It occurs to me that it's been well over a year since I've written a movie review. Since I've seen 10 movies (theatrically) in that time, that sounds like the perfect number for a round-up of brief reviews.

Iron Man 3

Tony Stark experiences PTSD from the events of The Avengers as he goes up against the Mandarin.  Although the final battle was a bit over-long, this is perhaps my favorite of the Iron Man franchise.  It retains the levels of sarcastic Tony we saw in the previous Avengers universe film, which some people thought detracting, but which I thought the first two Iron Man films could have done with more of.  And the twist with the Mandarin, though not entirely unpredictable, was still hilarious and brilliant.

Future Me: Having watched these again, Iron Man shows itself to be the best of the bunch. Iron Man 3 is one of the MCU's middling efforts, but, still, not bad.

Star Trek Into Darkness

J. J. Abrams remakes Wrath of Khan with younger, prettier actors (Cumberbatch!!!).  Into Darkness follows up 2009's Star Trek by showing us more of how Kirk became Captain Kirk, instead of just letting him be Captain Kirk.  Plus, references to TOS seem a bit more forced this time around, and Uhura is reduced to having "relationship problems" with Spock.  It just wasn't any good.

The World's End

Five guys return to their home town to complete a pub crawl from their youth, only something's not quite right....  Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright team up once again to make one of their comedy homages, this time to science fiction films, particularly Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  With some familiar faces (Nick Frost plays the straight man this time around), they deliver entertainment and laughs.  It's good, but just not up to the levels of excellence of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, which became even more apparent if, like me, you saw it in a Three Flavors of Cornetto screening. 

The Wolverine

Logan vows to protect the granddaughter of a Japanese soldier who saved his life, but there's something more sinister going on... something that might just make him mortal after all.  The Wolverine was quite unambitious, but that works in its favor.  It wasn't great, but it wasn't awful either, and delivered some solid entertainment and, apart from some obligatory Mecha, good action.

Sunshine on Leith

Two Scottish soldiers return from Afghanistan to face the complicated world of family, relationships, and... music!!  Set to the songs of the Proclaimers, Sunshine on Leith is the Scottish (filmed on location in Edinburgh and supported by Creative Scotland) musical that blows Brigadoon off the map.  It blends the working-class milieu of social realism with the musical in a way that shouldn't work, but totally does.  Vocal performances were good all around--yes, even Peter Mullan's.  And who knew the Reid twins wrote something other than "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"!

Thor:  The Dark World

A bunch of Elves led by the 9th Doctor are coming back, and apparently their threat to not just Norway but all the realms is so great that Thor must team up with Loki to stop them.  It's certainly much better directed than the previous Thor movie--the action was better, the plot made a bit more sense, and the moments of humor seemed more appropriate--but it's still a Thor movie.  But on the plus side, it did have some great bromance bits between the two Asgardian brothers, some wonderful moments for Tom Hiddleston to do some proper acting, and a scene with Chris Hemsworth shirtless.

Future Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! Wow, was I wrong. The more I watch Thor, the more I love it. And the more I watch this piece of garbage, the more I hate it. The bits with Loki are good, though, and if it's on TV, I'll watch those parts, but not the rest.

The Hobbit:  The Desolation of Smaug

The bits from The Hobbit in between when they escape the Orcs in the Misty Mountains and when they run afoul of Smaug.  More so than An Unexpected Journey, Desolation of Smaug is really suffering from Peter Jackson's decision to split the book into three films.  Whereas Part 1 padded things out with character development and world building, Part 2 went with extended action sequences that felt really unnecessary.  As there isn't really much left from the book, I dread to see what Part 3 will have to offer.  Although I don't mind too much the material taken from The Silmarillion, it's the original stuff I don't much care for.  As a character, Tauriel was okay, but The Hobbit is already a great story; it doesn't need a superfluous romance.

The Lego Movie

Ordinary Lego figure Emmet gets mistaken for a Master Builder and has to stop President Business from destroying the world with the Kragle.  Full of in-jokes, cameos, and heartwarming moments, The Lego Movie was the most fun I've had at the cinema in years.  Yes, the message of "don't follow the rules" does seem a bit incongruous coming from a massive corporation like Lego, but the story delivers it well.  Everything is awesome!

Muppets Most Wanted

Kermit gets mistaken for the world's most wanted frog, who uses the Muppets' European tour to pull off the ultimate heist.  The movie opened with the brilliant musical number "We're Doing a Sequel", which was about how sequels are never as good as the original.  Sadly, this was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Aside from some good jokes and the wonderful double act between CIA agent Sam the Eagle and his "European" counterpart from Interpol, it just didn't live up to the promise of The Muppets.  The story was a bit weak, and Walter is starting to get (even more) annoying.

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier 

Someone within S.H.I.E.L.D. is trying to kill Nick Fury, so, with no one they can trust, Captain America and Black Widow team up to stop them and the mysterious Winter Soldier.  Great action, solid story with a lot of intrigue and suspense.  I think Hydra have become my favorite Marvel villain (and meme).  There's a lot that can be done with Steve Rogers as a concept and a character, and that's perhaps why the Captain America franchise is the best one in the Avengers universe.

Ranking them, best to worst:

The Lego Movie

Sunshine on Leith

Captain American:  The Winter Soldier

Iron Man 3

The World's End

The Wolverine

Thor:  The Dark World

Muppets Most Wanted

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Star Trek Into Darkness

Review: Les Misérables

"Do you hear the people sing?/Singing the songs of angry men?/It is the music of the people/Who will not be slaves again!"

There have been many film and television adaptations of Victor Hugo's 1862 novel Les Misérables, but it has taken more than 30 years for the musical version to reach the screen.  It seems a long time since Les Mis, along with Cats and The Phantom of the Opera, was the hit, long-running show everyone had to go see.  However, this is not to say that the story has lost its relevance.  Far from it.

For those of you living in a cultural vacuum, Les Misérables tells the story of Jean Valjean, unfairly imprisoned for 20 years for stealing a loaf of bread.  Valjean is released on parole, and, thanks to a bishop's mercy, resolves to become a better man.  He assumes a different name and becomes a successful businessman and kind mayor.  But the intrepid Inspector Javert, the embodiment of the law, catches up with Valjean just as he is about to adopt the impoverished Cosette as a promise to her dying mother.  The two flee to Paris, and, years later, Revolution (of the 1832 variety) is in the air and Cosette is all grown up.  Naturally, she falls in love with one of the student revolutionaries, and Valjean is torn between keeping her to himself--and safe, now that Javert's in town to put down the uprising--and letting her go.

This newest version of  Les Mis, like the West End musical on which it is based, covers most of Hugo's novel, but dwells longest on the Revolution, and understandably so, as it provides the richest material for conflict--and stirring music.  Furthermore, in 1980, when the original French concept album was released, the barricades of '68 could not have been far from people's minds.  Easy parallels can be drawn between the Revolutions of the 19th Century and various movements of the 1960s; likewise, as I watched the student revolutionaries being fired on by soldiers, I couldn't help but think of the Occupy movement.  Hugo's interest in redemption from sin therefore becomes redemption of another sort--redemption of failed revolutions, redeemed by the hope that in the future they will not fail.

Directed by Academy Award winner Tom Hooper, Les Misérables (2012), deserves most of the hype it's been getting, though as I was watching it I could never shake the feeling that it would have been much better on stage.  The vocal performances, however, were excellent.  Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe tap into their musical backgrounds to bring Valjean and Javert to life, and Anne Hathaway will probably receive an Oscar nomination from her small but power role as Cosette's mother Fantine.  Sasha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were hilarious as the Thénardiers, and Daniel Huttlestone was cheeky and adorable as young Gavroche.  I wasn't too fond of Eddie Redmayne as Marius, not because his performance was bad, but because I kept thinking that I'd seen him play a privileged murderer on Inspector Lewis. (IMDB says he did not so IDK??)

Other than that, most of what I didn't care for in Les Misérables come from the source texts--both the novel and the play.  Musically speaking, I can't help compare it to the Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals that were its contemporaries.  Webber and his lyricists mastered turning even the most dry exposition into a catchy number; Les Mis, the English version, at least, has a lot of "I am singing what I am speaking" parts.  That being said, though, there are several memorable tunes--particularly "I Dreamed a Dream", "On My Own", and the above quoted "Do You Hear the People Sing?", which is even better in the original French.

My biggest issue with the story was Cosette and Marius.  Cosette suffers from Victorian Heroine Disease.  She's beautiful, virtuous, and BORING.  Men love her, but she doesn't seem to do anything other than being really sweet.  The more interesting women like Fantine and Éponine get killed off for their transgressions.  They don't get their happily ending like Cosette and Marius.  And that's another thing that bothered me:  as I was watching it, the ideological working of the narrative became very obvious.  The Revolution failed, and losing all those friends was sad, but only about one song's worth of sad.  Because the young hero goes back to his aristo granddad and marries the girl.  Who cares about the Revolution when there's a happily ever after!  And then Valjean dies and gets to go to heaven, where he joins everyone who died on the barricades--no more shooting, just singing!!

I'm not going to claim that the film--nor, indeed, the novel and the musical--doesn't offer alternative readings to this.  But part of the reason that I felt it would have been stronger on stage is the immediacy of the performance.  For the finale on stage, the singing actors are both dead--in the story--and alive in the presence of the living actor.  And so, there is hope for the future as they sing:

"Do you hear the people sing?/Say, do you hear the distant drums?/It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes!"

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid

Oh, Christmas.  You never actually live up to that wonderful picture of you we dream up in our heads, do you?  At least we have the movies to remind us of how good it used to be, right? 

Stealing the idea from something I wrote on MySpace back in the year two thousand and--um, you know what, we don't need dates, do we?--I'm presenting all you readers with the gift of my selective guide to holiday* movies.  And when I say selective, I mean selective.  I'm not even writing about all the Christmas movies I've seen.  For one thing, there's a whole bunch I can't remember because I saw them long ago on TV or something.  And for another thing, there's a whole bunch more that are so mind-numbingly awful I don't want to remember them.  So here are fifteen Christmassy films I think you need to check out right now or avoid at all costs. 

As charming as an eel.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Ron Howard, 2000)
A version of the Dr. Seuss classic about, well, it pretty much does as it says on the tin.  The film made me weep.  Not because it was touching, mind you, but because IT WAS AN ATROCITY.  Stick to the Chuck Jones animated version.  Or, you know, the book.

Meet Me in St. Louis (Vincent Minnelli, 1944)
A year in the life of a family from St. Louis, Missouri, that culminates in the 1904 World's Fair.  So, um, other than the part where Judy Garland sings "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", not really a Christmas movie, even though everyone claims it is.  Allegedly a Hollywood classic, I'm not overly fond of this film, mostly because it can't decide whether it wants to be a melodrama or a musical.

Love Actually (Richard Curtis, 2003)
Hugely popular, especially among every British person I know, I must confess that I don't care for it all that much.  As one of those inter-connected stories films, there were parts I liked (the kids are cute, and Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson turn in stellar performances, as usual), and parts I didn't (getting Colin Firth wet? Yeah, like that's never been done in everything he's ever been in).  Over all, it's probably not a bad film.  Curtis is, of course, the master of the romantic comedy.  I hate romantic comedies.

The Bishop's Wife (Henry Coster, 1947)
An angel comes down from heaven to help a bishop get his church built, and along the way sort-of falls in love with his wife.  Another alleged classic, I've always found it boring and much prefer the 1996 remake The Preacher's Wife.  Not that it's any better; it's just got singing.

The Santa Clause (John Pasquin, 1994)
Santa falls off a roof and dies, and the guy that finds him winds up putting on the suit and delivering presents.  Only problem is, he forgot to read the fine print and winds up the new Santa Claus.  Not the best movie by any means, it is, however, some solid family entertainment.  The sequels, though, were crap.

Miracle on 34th Street (George Seaton, 1947)
Natalie Wood plays an adorable little girl who doesn't believe in Santa Claus!  But then her mother, who works for Macy's, hires a guy who claims to be the real thing.  Never been one of my favorites, but it's a good movie, and a true holiday classic.  Unfortunately, the colorized version from the 1970s still seems to be in circulation, and the remake is one to be avoided.

Shabbat shalom, motherfuckers!

The Hebrew Hammer (Jonathan Kesselman, 2003)
In this Jewsploitation flick, detective Mordecai Jefferson Carver (he's like Shaft, but 100% kosher) has to save Chanukah from Santa's evil son.  Very funny, though some of the jokes do require at least a minor in Jewish Studies to get, and even then you'll still be wondering if you really ought to be laughing at them.  But, hey, it's not like there are that many other Chanukah movies out there anyway.

Christmas in Connecticut (Peter Godfrey, 1945)
A house and home columnist's editor invites himself over to her farm for Christmas, bringing a handsome war hero with him.  Only problem:  she's really a Manhattan career woman whose cooking skills don't exceed a trip to the corner deli.  Hilarity ensues.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (Brian Henson, 1992)
What's a list of Christmas movies without one of the 10 gazillion versions of A Christmas Carol?  This might not be my absolute favorite, but it's definitely one of the best.  And--Muppets!  What's not to love?  Gonzo makes a perfect Charles Dickens, though I'm not sure about the historical accuracy of his talking rat sidekick.  (Big blue nose, on the other hand....)

Home Alone (Chris Columbus, 1990)
Kevin lives any kid's dream of having the whole house to himself when his family accidentally leaves him behind on a visit to relatives in Paris for Christmas.  But then he has to defend his house against the pair of crooks burgling the neighborhood.  Cringe-worthily painful (yet still funny) slapstick ensues, as well as some heartwarming stuff.  

White Christmas (Michael Curtiz, 1954)
Hit duo Wallace and Davis get lured to a struggling Vermont ski resort by a pair of singing sisters only to find that it's being run by their old general.  What can they do to help him?  Put on a show, of course!  Yeah, the plot may seem a bit silly, but it's got humor, romance, song and dance numbers (plus both Technicolor and VistaVision!), and the Irving Berlin classics "Counting Your Blessings" and, of course, "White Christmas".

Chimneys are for wimps.

Die Hard (John McTiernan, 1988)
When Hans Gruber and his pack of terrorists take over Fox--um, I mean, Nakatomi Plaza, they didn't count on one of the employees being married to John McClane.  Ass-kicking ensues.  Hey, who says Christmas movies have to be all warm and fuzzy?  Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

A Christmas Story (Bob Clark, 1983)
All Ralphie wants for Christmas is an official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle, but the adults in his life seem to be conspiring against his attempts to get one.  Dripping with nostalgia, the film is nevertheless a hilarious look at what it was like when the most important thing in your life was getting that one thing you wanted.  Also:  sexy lamp.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Jeremiah S. Chechik, 1989)
Clark Griswold invites the whole extended family over for an Old Fashioned Family Christmas.  What could possibly go wrong?  Everything.  From exterior illumination, to squirrels in the Christmas tree, Cousin Eddie and yuppie neighbors, Christmas Vacation is jam-packed with seasonal laughs.  Easily the best Christmas movie of the last 50 years. 

It's a Wonderful Life (Frank Capra, 1946)
George Bailey's at the end of his rope--feeling like he's always lived for others and got nothing for himself--and he's starting to think that maybe everyone would be better off without him.  So the angel Clarence, hoping to earn his wings, comes down to show George just what life would be like if he'd never been born.  Overexposure in past decades has caused a lot of people to look down on this film, but it's not only heartwarming, it's inspiring.  These days especially, we need Capra's reminder that "No man is a failure who has friends." 

Future Me: Elf is great. Go watch Elf.  


*I'm not being P.C., I'm being accurate.  They're not just movies about Christmas.

British Actor of the Month: Double O-dition

On October 5, 1962, two things happened that would have a profound impact on the music world. 

The first was that The Beatles released "Love Me Do."

The second was that, with the premier of Dr No, audiences were introduced to one of the most iconic movie themes ever. 

The last one also might be a bit important for the film world.  Just a bit. 

So to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the James Bond franchise, we're profiling the five British actors who have wowed cinema audiences as 007.  And we might as well include George Lazenby while we're at it. 

Do you ecshpect me to talk?

Sean Connery
A former Edinburgh milkman, Connery was the first actor to play Bond.  Longtime fan favorite, Connery made a huge impact on the character (even inspiring Ian Flemming to give his creation a Scottish heritage), something subsequent Bonds have had to deal with.  Highlights:  Dr No, From Russia with Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball  Lowlights:  You Only Live Twice, Diamonds Are Forever, and the "unofficial" Never Say Never Again  Also Known For:  Playing the (Scottish) Spaniard in Highlander and the (Scottish) Russian submarine captain in The Hunt for Red October.  Is also Indiana Jones's father and an Oscar winner for The Untouchables.

No, you're not the other guy

George Lazenby

Australian actor Lazenby was the first to take over after Connery left.  Fearing typecasting, he left after one go.  Not too many fans were disappointed.  Highlights:  On Her Majesty's Secret Service.  Really, it's one of the better Bond films.  Lowlights:  On Her Majesty's Secret Service.  Really, he is the worst Bond to date.  Also Known For:  Being the "George Lazenby" of the Bond franchise.

[Insert double entendre here]

Roger Moore

The first actor to take over after Connery's brief return, Moore has been the longest-running Bond and appeared in the most official Bond movies.  Moore played the role a bit more tongue-in-cheek than his predecessors, and his era was also known for its ridculously overblown plots.  Highlights:  The Man with the Golden Gun, The Spy Who Loved Me, For Your Eyes Only  Lowlights:  Live and Let Die, Moonraker, Octopussy, A View to a Kill  Also Known For:  Starring in the TV series The Saint.

Needs ice cream

Timothy Dalton 

Reportedly the choice producers had to replace Connery even as far back as On Her Majesty's, Dalton has perhaps been the most "serious" Bond to date.  The plots from his era were more concerned with "real world" spy senarios.  Highlights:  The Living Daylights, even though Bond does end up helping the Taliban fight the Soviets.  Lowlights:  Licence to Kill  Also Known For:  Argueably the only actor to be better known for not playing Bond, Dalton is a highly respected Shakesperian actor who played Rochester in the BBC's 1980s version of Jane Eyre and the Time Lord president in David Tennant's last episode of Doctor Who.  You might also have recognized him in Hot Fuzz.

Shaken, not stirred

Pierce Brosnan

Reportedly the producers' choice to replace Moore, Brosnan was unavailable, so they went with Dalton.  His performance tended to blend Dalton's grittiness with Moore's sense of humor, and, likewise, the films were the right balance of realistic and riddiculous.  Highlights:  Goldeneye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World Is Not Enough  Lowlights:  Die Another Day  Also Known For:  Starring in the TV series Remmington Steele



Blonde Bond?!?



Daniel Craig
Though the color of his hair created a stir when his casting was announced, Craig is fast becoming as much a fan favorite as Sean Connery.  The franchise has gone through a bit of a reboot lately to focuse on how Bond became Bond, which some have seen as a rejuvenation, and others as a rip-off of the Jason Bourne franchise.  Highlights:  Casino Royale (2006), Skyfall, Spectre, and this  Lowlights:  Quantum of Solace  Also Known For:  Starring in the English-language remakes of Stig Larson's Millenium series

Review: Rock of Ages

I knew this film was going to be shit. Knew it so surely that I didn't bother to read the reviews. Perhaps I should have, as it was a bit of a surprise to find that it was a proper people-stopping-what-they're-doing-to-sing musical. I was pleasantly surprised about this, for a while at least.

Rock of Ages is set on the Sunset Strip of the 1980s that nurtured some of the biggest bands of that decade, Guns & Roses included. The film focuses on the relationship and quest for fame of Sherrie (Julianne Hough), a newcomer to LA with stars in her eyes, and Drew (Diego Boneta), a waiter at the legendary (or so we're told) Bourbon Club with dreams of rockstardom. They break-up; she ends up stripping, he joins a boy band. Meanwhile, the mayor's wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones) goes on a Moral Majority crusade against the Bourbon, who's owner (Alec Baldwin) and stage manager (Russell Brand) are secretly in love with each other, and crazed rocker Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise), who, as a result of liaison with an ingenue Rolling Stone reporter (Malin Akerman), comes to realize that his career's in ruins no thanks to his sleazebag manager (Paul Giamatti). Naturally, it all works out for everyone, and there's a big sing-a-long to "Don't Stop Believing".

As you can see, the plot is clichéd and predictable, adding nothing new to the genre and providing little material with which to redeem itself. Sherrie and Drew are such a cookie-cutter young couple--there is nothing original about them--that they are completely non-compelling. I found myself more interested in the sub-plots, which are given, at times, either too much weight, drawing focus from the main story, or not enough, leaving characters and relationships undeveloped.

While all involved must be given praise their vocal performance, especially since most of the big stars in the cast aren't singers, in terms of acting, performances are all-around terrible. The young leads are incapable of injecting anything interesting into their well-worn characters, and Baldwin delivers every line of the God-awful dialogue while laughing at it on the inside. Zeta-Jones positively feasts on the scenery every time she's on screen, whereas Cruise, perhaps under the delusion he's in an Axel Rose biopic, plays it too seriously, though the role gives him plenty of legitimate reasons to take the performance over the top. Only Brand, whose usual schtick fits in perfectly, and Mary J. Blige (as the strip club madam) do anything remotely watchable. Blige, an R&B legend, delivers a show stealing performance akin to Ray Davies's in Absolute Beginners.

As bad as it was, however, Rock of Ages delivers a lot of laughs, though I'm not sure how many of them were intentional. It was hard to tell what was supposed to be a joke because the way the film was paced; it didn't allow enough time for the gags to sink in properly. But the musical numbers were (mostly) well staged and performed. I'm not a fan of hair metal, so I can't really judge whether or not they "ruined" the songs (though having Zeta-Jones and the PMRC dancing chorus singing Twisted Sister was a little disconcerting), but the music seemed to be used well. However, power ballad after power ballad got a bit tiring and the songs soon lost their ability to make you pump your fist in the air and shout "Rock 'n' Roll! WOOO!!!" They come across as dispassioned. And, sadly, the opportunity for a Jets v. Sharks style rumble between the morality girls and the Stacee Jaxx fans in the "We're Not Gonna Take It/We Built This City" medley was completely squandered, though, as a bonus, I think there were a few rockers from the 80s hair metal scene making cameos in the crowd.

It was at this point when I began to wonder if maybe all the music videos for the featured songs strung together with no pretence of a narrative would be more enjoyable. Still, it was mildly entertaining, though the only reason to not to wait to rent it is that movie theaters probably have a better audio system than you do.

Vampire Movie Guide

Some film critics have compared the cinema to a vampire. A series of still images brought to life through the mechanical movement of the projector in an uncanny simulation of life much like... the undead. Maybe that's why there are so many vampire movies.

You may be wondering with so many out there where you should start. Don't worry, I've seen a lot of vampire movies and have ranked them for you. And no, I'm not claiming to have seen every vampire movie ever made, or even all the good ones. If there's one in particular you'd like to recommend, feel free to leave a comment.

Unless you're recommending that certain one (Or five. Seriously, two parts?? Really???) that I absolutely refuse to watch. And I'm not talking about Carl Theodor Dreyer's Vampyr.

 

1) Nosferatu, 1922, F. W. Murnau 

Even though the names were changed to protect the copyright infringed, this silent classic, the first screen adaptation of Dracula is still the best vampire movie I've ever seen. Maybe it's just that silent films really creep me out (Ah! The uncanny!), or maybe it's that the production values don't seem as crappy as most old movies (despite the obvious day for night exterior sequences that are an obvious problem for vampires). Whatever it is, Max Schreck should give anyone nightmares. 

2) Interview with the Vampire, 1994, Neil Jordan 

Now, some of you might think this a travesty that a rather flashy adaptation of the beloved Anne Rice novel beat out the likes of Werner Herzog, or perhaps some of you can't stomach the idea of Tom Cruise befouling your precious Lestat? But remember, kids, this was when he was just a little crazy, and, to be honest, I thought he was dead-on as everyone's favorite Brat Prince. All in all, I thought this was well-done. Ok, so they did try to distance Brad Pitt's Louis from the book's homoeroticism a bit. Fair point. But Kirsten Dunst is excellent as Claudia. And I love the ending, different though it is from the book, though really, not out of character....

3) Dracula, 1931, Tod Browning

Though Nosferatu came first, Tod Browning's Dracula is the ur-text of all vampire movies, and arguably horror movies in general. In fact, so many other films have copied, parodied, or otherwise referenced it, that, if you haven't actually seen it already, you'll feel like you have anyway. Hugely popular--and controversial--in its day, Dracula remains a classic despite its staginess, its sometimes creaky production, and its out dated use of sound. This version of Dracula is one of the most clever uses of Stoker's novel, for it modernizes the story and allows the Count social interactions with his victims, thus making his threat all the more tangible. And then, of course, there is Bela Lugosi's performance--as the foreign yet intriguingly sophisticated vampire--that made Dracula a household name. Lugosi's Dracula is perhaps the most memorable character in film, if not pop culture in general. Face it, it's not Frank Langella kids impersonate on the playground.

4) Shadow of the Vampire, 2000, E. Elias Merhige 

A very dark comedy that imagines Murnau hired a real vampire to play the part of Count Orlock. Probably best appreciated if you have a dry, twisted sense of humor. Wilhem Dafoe's performance really makes the film. 

5) Let the Right One In, 2008, Tomas Alfredson 

A cute little movie about a depressed Swedish boy who befriends a young, depressed vampire girl. Surprisingly (for a Swedish movie), it's not very depressing at all, and rather sweet and heart-warming. Well, for a Swedish vampire movie, anyway. 

6) The Lost Boys, 1987, Joel Schumacher 

A classic piece of 80s camp with not one, but two Coreys! Sure, it's not very scary if you're over the age of, say, eight, but it's hilarious. Don't take it too seriously, and you will have yourself a good time.

7) Horror of Dracula, 1958, Terence Fisher

The first of Hammer Studio's Dracula movies. Although there are a lot of major changes from the book (Mina is Arthur's wife? And Jonathan isn't a total wimp??), it does a pretty good job of staying true to the essence of Stoker's work. And there are a lot of little touches that remind one of the novel, the play, and Nosferatu as well. Although the film's low budget Technicolor production might seem a little dated and campy, the story's fairly engaging, and Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing are excellent as the Count and Van Helsing.

8) Nosferatu: Phatom der Nacht, 1979, Werner Herzog 

Ok, the credit sequence is probably one of the creepiest things I've every seen on film. And there are some really excellent visuals. Klaus Kinski isn't nearly as disgusting as Max Schreck (though those fingernails some close--bleh!), but this is still a good film, in it's arty German way. 

9) Queen of the Damned, 2001, Michael Rymer 

Film critics and hard-core Anne Rice fans panned this adaptation, but it really wasn't that bad, even though they did try to squeeze two books together. Ok, sure, I had trouble with a Lestat who wasn't blond, and, yes, I did nearly lose it and throw things at the TV when they had Marius be Lestat's maker (WTF???? NO!!), but, if you're not familiar with The Vampire Chronicles and haven't seen Interview, you'd probably enjoy it, if the film's slick style doesn't bother you.  

10) Underworld, 2003, Len Wiseman 

Not too bad. It has all your basic action movie stuff. And the concept was interesting. But I felt I was missing something. Was this a comic book that got made into a movie? I wasn't sure, and if it was, I know I shouldn't have felt that way. I mean, I've never read X-Men comics, but I could still figure out the rules. But here, I was lost. 

 11) Bram Stoker's Dracula, 1992, Francis Ford Coppola 

First, let's talk about this as an adaptation. I like to say that this is both the best and worst adaptatioon of the novel. For one thing, of all the Dracula movies, this one gets the most details right. However, it also overly romaticizes the Count, which I'm sure would probably give Stoker fits if he knew about it*. Now let's talk about the acting. I thought Anthony Hopkins made a good Van Helsing (unlike #19), and, despite the weird hair thing, Sirius Black--um, I mean, Gary Oldman does a decent impression of Bella Lugosi as Dracula. But I'm not sure how I feel about Winona Ryder's *ahem* "lovely" English accent, and, dude, casting Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker was, like, a totally gnarly bummer, dude. (FYI, if you've heard intellectual big-shots like Thomas Elsaesser call this movie "the end of cinema" or something like that, they're not talking about it being crappy.)

12) Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, 1968, Freddie Francis

After being accidentally revived, Dracula decides to get revenge on the Monsignor who exorcized his castle by seducing his niece. It's up to her athiest boyfriend and a drunken priest to find the faith necessary to rescue her. In this film we can see the turn toward making vampire movies more explicitly sexy, and, while no one will ever claim this is a great film (the acting is particularly awful at times), it is one of the stronger entries in Hammer's Dracula franchise.

13) The Hunger, 1983, Tony Scott 

David Bowie as a vampire. Sexy!... But now he's really, really old, like a mummy? Ew! And Susan Sarandon is hooking up with Catherine Deneuve for some reason? Though a long-time favorite of goths (OMG! Bauhaus!), this movie isn't easy to follow. Let's just say I now understand what all the film critics on my exam list were talking about when they bemoaned postmodernism's emphasis on style over substance.

14) Scars of Dracula, 1970, Roy Ward Baker

Once again, Dracula has been brought back from the dead, this time to terrorize a young couple spending the night at his castle. Notorious for having the worst effects of the whole franchise (seriously, that bat is the epitome of cheesy), it nonetheless has some redeeming qualities, such as giving Christopher Lee more to do with the character than bite necks and hiss at crucifixes (though he does plenty of that, too). It also stars Doctor Who's Patrick Troughton, who turns in an unusually (for Hammer) good performance as Dracula's morally conflicted manservant.

15) Dracula A.D. 1972, 1972, Alan Gibson

Hippies, tired of Alistair Crowley bogarting their joints (or something), resurrect Dracula, who seeks his revenge on Van Helsing via his nubile great-granddaughter. Bad, but not quite as bad as it sounds, thanks to Lee and Cushing providing their standard performances. All in all, a lot of silly fun.

16) Dracula's Daughter, 1936, Lambert Hillyer

Starting immediately where the 1931 Dracula left off, with the Count having just been staked, this sequel follows his daughter, a painter, as she tries so hard to avoid the curse which plagues her family: vampirism. Though nowhere near as overt as the The Vampire Lovers and other such contemporary vampire films, Dracula's Daughter is notable for its lesbian overtones. And... that's it. Seriously, it's a snooze-fest.

17) Dracula Dead and Loving It, 1995, Mel Brooks 

Not exactly classic Mel Brooks. But it's still funny, especially if you hated Coppola's version. It's one redeeming quality is that it openly mocks the sexual repression that is an undercurrent in Stoker's novel.

18) Taste the Blood of Dracula, 1970, Peter Sasdy

Three Victorian gentlemen, bored with prostiutes and opium, turn to black magic for their next thrill, but when they leave Dracula's servant for dead, the count takes his revenge by going after their daughters. Dracula AD 1972 was essentially a modern day remake of this story, but, surprisingly, was much better than this slow-paced entry to the Hammer Dracula franchise. Although I found Dracula's victims acting like groupies hilarious.

19) Van Helsing, 2004, Stephen Sommers 

Worst piece of crap I have ever seen in the theater. Seriously, the only way to enjoy this reeking turd is to forget everything you know about Dracula, Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, werewolf lore, and, I don't know, LOGIC MAYBE?? 

20) Lesbian Vampire Killers, 2009, Phil Claydon 

Supposed to be a spoof of Hammer studio's lusty horror films, it's kind of a cross between the style of the Scary Movie franchise and Shaun of the Dead. I laughed once. 

So there you have it. Any comments to the effect of "OMG U HAVN'T SEEN TWILIGHT IT IS TEH BEST MOVIE EVAR!!!!1" will result in instant death. Lestat, David Bowie, and adorably depressed Swedish kids know where you live, and they are hungry.

*Considering Bram Stoker envisioned John Irving, on whom he supposedly had a huge man-crush, playing Dracula, I may have to take that statement back.

30 Days, 30--No, 40--Horror Movies

Yet another one of those opportunities to clog up one's friends' Facebook feeds with movie trailers is going around. Since this one's about horror movies, I thought it would make a nice warm-up for Camp NaNoWriMo next month. (I'm working on a YA gothic novel.) This was actually kind of fun because I really had to think hard to remember which horror movies I've seen, since it would probably be cheating to list Dracula Has Risen from the Grave 40 times. I never really noticed how much of my experience with horror is vampire-related. 

1. Your First Horror Movie I’m not sure. When I was a kid, my best friend’s mom loved horror movies, so we’d always end up watching scary stuff whenever I went over to her house. One really horrible one I remember was called The People Under the Stairs, I think. 

2. The Last Horror Movie You Saw in the Theater The 40th anniversary print of Alien. I’d seen it on TV, but I was still chewing my nails in terror. 

3. Favorite Classic Horror Movie Actually, my real favorite classics are mentioned elsewhere, so I’ll say the silent version of The Phantom of the Opera, specifically for it’s nightmare-inducing two-strip Technicolor sequence.

4. A Horror Movie You Thought You'd Love and Didn't The Hunger. Bowie is really good in it, but otherwise, it’s a lot of style over substance. 

5. Favorite Horror Remake Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht, Werner Herzog’s remake of the silent film. Most disgusting fingernails ever. 

6. Favorite Vampire Movie Funnily enough, the original Nosferatu. Doubly scary because it’s also an old silent film. 

7. A Horror Movie You Think No One Has Seen Decasia, which I know other people have seen (because I saw it with them), but which I suspect no one who isn’t a film student has seen. 

8. Favorite Foreign Horror Let the Right One In. It’s one of the very few cases where it’s actually appropriate to have emo vampires. I mean, they are Swedish, after all. 

9. Favorite Super Natural [sic] Horror Movie The Shining. There’s that one disturbing image from near the end of the film I will never, ever get out of my head. If you’ve seen it, you know which one I’m talking about. 

10. Horror Movie Every One [sic] Loves But You Don't Frankenstein, if by everyone you mean “film critics.” You know it’s going to be a bad adaptation when they list the author as “Mrs. Percy B. Shelley” in the opening credits. 

11. Favorite Horror/Comedy [You know what, I'm just going to stop pointing out the grammatical errors and correct them.] Young Frankenstein. That’s “Fronk-en-steen.” Not only is it hilarious, but it is the best of all the hundreds of adaptations of Mary Shelley’s novel. 

12. Most Disturbing Horror Film The original German Funny Games. In fact, if you do not find this film disturbing, you need serious help. 

13. Favorite Zombie Movie Shaun of the Dead. Every time I’ve seen it I get zombie-related nightmares, but I don’t care. It’s hilarious! 

14. Favorite Indie Horror Movie Indie horror? I don’t even know which—Oh! Shadow of the Vampire! That was an independent production, right? 

15. Favorite Monster Movie The original Gojira. I know we like to joke about the bad dubbing and guys in rubber suits, but the Japanese subtitled version is actually pretty good. 

16. Horror Film With a Great Soundtrack Suspiria, because it does exactly what a good horror movie soundtrack should do: make the film even scarier than it would be with just the image alone. 

17. Favorite 80s Horror The Lost Boys for it’s cheesetasticness. And, with both Coreys, it’s quintessentially 80s. 

18. Favorite Horror Movie Filmed in Black and White Hitchcock’s Rebecca. Technically more of a thriller or even a melodrama, but is Mrs. Danvers not the scariest female character ever? 

19. Best Use of Gore Videodrome, which uses gore to actually say something rather than just grossing the audience out. 

20. Favorite Horror Character Count Dracula, or, as he’s sometimes called in a non-copyright infringing* way, Count Orlock. 

21. Best Horror Franchise Forget franchise, how about cycle! I like the Hammer films of the late 50s-early 70s. Sure, they’re kind of camp, but they’re still a lot of fun. The Curse of Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula, The Hound of the Baskervilles, and The Mummy are the best, though the second Frankenstein film and many other Dracula ones aren’t too bad either. 

22. Best Death Scene Martin Balsam’s in Psycho. We all know what happens to Janet Leigh, but this death is even scarier because we don’t see it coming. 

23. A Great Quote from a Horror Movie Two from Todd Browing’s Dracula. The first the hilarious “I never drink… wine.” And of course, for the second, the classic, “Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.” 

24. Horror Movie Character That Describes You I wouldn’t say “describes,” but I kind of identify with Carrie. I mean, what kid who’s ever been picked on hasn’t cheered just a little bit inside the minute she slams those gym doors closed at the prom? 

25. Favorite Christmas/Holiday Horror Movie The Wicker Man. Happy May Day, everyone! (What?? It’s a holiday!) 

26. Horror Movie for a Chicken The original Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It’s actually kind of boring. 

27. Your Guilty Pleasure Horror Movie Dracula A.D. 1972. Hammer camp + hippie exploitation = so bad it’s good? Well, almost. 

28. Horror Film You'd Like to See Remade/Rebooted Van Helsing, and not just because it was really awful. There’s a line in the novel where Van Helsing mentions that he’s been pursuing Dracula his whole life or something like that. I’d like to see movies with more interaction between them, and not like this crap, or the Hammer franchise where they had to keep coming up with more ridiculous ways of resurrecting Dracula. I’m thinking more like Dracula prequels, which would be great, because we need more vampires who aren’t a bunch of emo wusses. 

29. Worst Horror Movie Blair Witch 2, which my friend dragged me to see for her birthday. I don’t like horror movies that are more “Eww!” than “Aahh!” 

30. Your Favorite All Time Horror Movie (Or One Of [Emoticon excised. Thank me later, humanity.] ) Most of my favorites are listed elsewhere, but this seems like a good place to mention The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Sure, it’s not all that scary (unless you think a guy in fishnets is particularly frightening, but that’s your problem), but it’s got music! And you get to throw things!! 

31. Favorite Horror Movie Theme Song David Bowie’s “Cat People (Putting Out Fire),” and not the remix on Let’s Dance. Although, to be honest, I’ve never actually seen the remake of Cat People, so I don’t even know if it’s still a horror film. 

32. A Movie That Scared You as a Child (Doesn't Have to be Horror) The Dark Crystal. Creepy!! I’m 28 and still find it a little bit disturbing. 

33. Favorite Slasher Movie Silence of the Lambs. Does that actually count as a slasher movie? Oh, well, it’s a lot better than the average slasher movie anyway. 

34. Horror Movie That Was Ruined by the Ending Kracauer would say The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari because we now question the narrator's sanity and thus the film's anti-authoritarian message. But I don't know. Now, the cheesy overdone special effects at the end of the original version of The Omen--that's how ruining a movie with the ending is really done. 

35. The Horror Film That Started Your Love for Horror Interview with the Vampire. More accurately, it’s the book that got me into horror, but I read the book because my friend and I had been plotting for months to see the movie, so it still counts. 

36. Favorite Contemporary Actor in a Horror Movie Um, I haven’t seen that many contemporary horror movies, so I’ll go with Johnny Depp in Sleepy Hollow. 

Future Me: Wow, this did not age well.

37. Best Special Effects in a Horror Movie I don’t think special effects should be all that important to a horror movie. I mean, to be truly frightening, you need more than just convincing monsters or gore. So, even though I think it’s a horrible movie, I’ll say Bram Stoker’s Dracula, because it’s a celebration of cinematic technique. And it’s got some killer under-cranking. 

38. Best CGI in a Horror Movie I don’t even know if I’ve seen a horror movie that uses CGI. What about the little girl in The Ring? Was she CGI? 

39. Horror Movie That Should Be Seen on the Big Screen The Tingler. Unless, of course, they come out with some kind home media delivery system that will also send little shocks to your seat. 

40. A Must See Movie for Every Horror Movie Lover Peeping Tom, because it’s so metafilmic cinephiles will love it. 

*Um, apparently the courts feel otherwise.