River Song Is--Spoilers!

There’s been a lot of speculation by Doctor Who fans these last few years about the identity of the Doctor’s sort-or companion River Song. Tomorrow night, those of us on the west side of the Pond (no pun intended) finally get to find out who she is. Here is a recap of some possibilities*.

Oh, and anyone who already knows… keep it to yourself or I will sick the Daleks on you.

Romana/Susan/the Rani/another random Time Lady. It is a possibility, but she’d have to be using a Chameleon Arch, and that’s been done. Anyway, it’s a lot of wishful thinking by people who want to bring these characters back.

Doctor’s wife. Likely. We’ve gotten a lot of hints about this, though with Moffat, who the hell knows if he’s trying to mislead us. But the question remains, is she the Doctor’s first wife (Susan’s grandmother) or has he gotten remarried?

The Doctor’s mother. Not likely. It would mean that either she’s a Time Lady or that the Doctor’s half human. And I don’t think they’re going to go there again. Plus, all the flirting would be just… ew.

Susan’s mother. She could be the Doctor’s daughter or daughter-in-law, but, as above with his mother, high squick factor.

Jenny. I suppose she could have regenerated and, um, changed her name, but, genetic anomaly aside, that’s also pretty squicky, though apparently David Tennant doesn’t think so.

Donna. Not very likely, but maybe, since she has a Time Lord brain, she regenerated, but, being human, it would destroy her, so she created a new identity, and had to repress the old one.

The Other Doctor and Rose’s daughter. Sure she’d have to cross into a different universe, but, since she’s the child of a half-Time Lord and the most specialest companion ever (shippers *rolls eyes*), it would be easy for her. And… kissing your half-human clone’s daughter isn’t gross, right?

Amy’s baby. There was a rumor of this going around the internet near the beginning of the season. While the source supposedly turned about to be untrue, you never know…

The glowy girl from the end of “Day of the Moon.” Seriously, what is up with her?

The TARDIS. Given the end of “Forrest of the Dead,” this seems like it would be beyond even Moffat’s level of timey-wimeyness. Plus, uh, didn’t they kind of do this in Neil Gaiman’s episode?

The Master’s and Lucy Saxon’s daughter. Hm, interesting. But the thought of the Master reproducing is just… wrong.

A female Doctor. Since “Forrest” pretty much ruled out a future regeneration, maybe she’s from a parallel universe. Kind of borrows from some of the spin-off books, but, hey, since a lot of people think she’s a rip-off of Benny Summerfield, why not throw some Iris Wildthyme in there, too?

The person in the space suit. She did say she was in jail because she killed a great man….

An agent of the Black Guardian. She’s been sent to bring the Doctor over to the side of chaos by tempting him with spoilers. Could be, but the Black Guardian hasn’t been mentioned in the series since 1983, I think, and we’d probably have some kind of hints if they were going to bring this villain back.

Jack’s daughter. Remember way back in Season 1 when they mention that the Face of Boe was pregnant? They do have similar personalities….

Rory with a sex change. Yes. Please. YES!

A Mary Sue created by Daleks. They’ve designed her to trap the Doctor and bring about his final destruction. Well… it’s what a lot of the fans think of her, so why not?

Obviously, some of those are more plausible than the others, but I am fairly certain that, come Saturday, we will find out that River Song is none other than....

Dr. Elizabeth Corday. Fits perfectly, doesn’t it?



*I may have made some of these up.