Hooray for... Aw, Who Cares

With the 83rd Annual Academy Awards on the horizon, I feel my Oscar enthusiasm at an all-time low, despite the hot competition this year. Really, I can barely muster the necessary sarcasm. So, while you're all arguing Social Network vs. King's Speech, I present to you

My Oscar Picks

Best Picture
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone
Winner: The King's Speech. I'll say this once: For nearly every time I pick this one, it could easily turn out to be The Social Network. However, if I had to pick, it would be this one, and I think the Academy would too, albeit for very different reasons.

Best Actor
Javier Bardem, Biutiful
Jeff Bridges, True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King's Speech
James Franco, 127 Hours
Winner: Colin Firth. Mr. Darcy FTW.

Best Actress
Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter's Bone
Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine
Winner: Natalie Portman. The Force is strong with this one. Yeah, I went there.

Best Supporting Actor
Christian Bale, The Fighter
John Hawkes, Winter's Bone
Jeremy Renner, The Town
Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush, The King's Speech
Winner: Christian Bale. Dude, it would be so Batman if he won.

Best Supporting Actress
Amy Adams, The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter, The King's Speech
Melissa Leo, The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit
Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom
Winner: Hailee Steinfeld. She totally owns this movie.

Best Director
Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan
David O. Russell, The Fighter
Tom Hooper, The King's Speech
David Fincher, The Social Network
Joel and Ethan Coen, True Grit
Winner: WHERE IS CHRISTOPHER FUCKING NOLAN?!?!?

Best Foreign Language Film
Mexico, Biutiful
Greece, Dogtooth
Denmark, In a Better World
Canada, Incendies
Algeria, Outside the Law (Hors-a-loi)
Winner: Biutiful

Best Animated Feature
How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Toy Story 3
Winner: The Illusionist. What could be more schmaltzy than Toy Story 3? How about paying homage to legendary French director Jacques Tati?

Best Cinematography
Black Swan
Inception
The King's Speech
The Social Network
True Grit
Winner: The King's Speech

Best Documentary Feature
Exit Through the Gift Shop
Gasland
Inside Job
Restrepo
Waste Land
Winner: Exit Through the Gift Shop. It's controversial, and you know they just want to trick Banksy into revealing himself.

Best Visual Effects
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
Hereafter
Inception
Iron Man 2
Winner: Inception. Let's face it, Nolan was probably snubbed because felt this film was too "flashy" or something, so he'd better not get shafted here, too.

Best Original Song
"Coming Home," Country Strong
"I See the Light," Tangled
"If I Rise," 127 Hours
"We Belong Together," Toy Story 3
Winner: "Coming Home." Really, not that many country songs have ever won.

Best Original Screenplay
Mike Leigh, Another Year
A Bunch of Dudes, The Fighter
Christopher Nolan, Inception
Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg, The Kids Are All Right
David Seidler, The King's Speech
Winner: David Seidler. No competition with Social Network, here, so should be a clear victory.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Danny Boyle and Simon Beaufoy, 127 Hours
Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network
Disney Staffers, Toy Story 3
Joel and Ethan Cohen, True Grit
Debra Granik and Anne Rosellini, Winter's Bone
Winner: Aaron Sorkin. Again, Social Network's not competing with King's Speech, and, anyway, it's Aaron Sorkin for Christ's sake!

Best Film Editing
Black Swan
The Fighter
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
Winner: The King's Speech

Best Original Score
How to Train Your Dragon
Inception
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network
Winner: The King's Speech

Best Art Direction
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
Inception
The King's Speech
True Grit
Winner: The King's Speech. That couch deserves a nomination in a supporting role. (Ha! Get it?)

Best Makeup
Barney's Version
The Way Back
The Wolfman
Winner: The Wolfman. Age makeup? So over it.

Best Costume Design
Alice in Wonderland
I Am Love
The King's Speech
The Tempest
True Grit
Winner: The King's Speech. Um, hello? Heritage film?

Best Sound Editing
Inception
Toy Story 3
Tron: Legacy
True Grit
Unstoppable
Winner: Inception.

Best Sound Mixing
Inception
The King's Speech
Salt
The Social Network
True Grit
Winner: The King's Speech. It's about a guy with a speech impediment, so, yeah, I'd say sound was important.

Note: I'm tired of picking the short categories at random. So I rolled dice.

Best Animated Short
"Day & Night" (2)
"The Gruffalo" (5)
"Let's Pollute" (8)
"The Lost Thing" (6)
"Madagascar, carnet du voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)" (7)
Winner: "Let's Pollute." High roll.

Best Live Action Short
"The Confession" (6)
"The Crush" (9)
"God of Love" (10)
"Na Wewe" (3)
"Wish 143" (7)
Winner: "God of Love." High Roll.

Best Documentary Short
"Killing in the Name" (2)
"Poster Girl" (8)
"Strangers No More" (10)
"Sun Come Up" (2)
"The Warriors of Qiugang" (7)
Winner: "Strangers No More." High Roll.