Wednesday, July 21, 2010

80's Fantasy Villain Throwdown

Jareth vs. the Lord of Darkness



Evil Deeds
Darkness--Tries to make the unicorn go the way of the dodo, which would bring eternal darkness
Jareth--Kidnaps baby, cheats at his own game
Winner: Darkness. That doesn't exactly need much explaining.

Evil Intent
Darkness--Wants to rule over everything
Jareth--Wants to rule over the heart of a 15 year old girl
Winner: Darkness. Put that way, Jareth's motive almost makes him look like an anti-hero. Almost.

Perviness
Darkness--Attempting to seduce Lily, sticks her in a vampy, revealing outfit
Jareth--Attempting to seduce Sarah, dresses her up to look even younger
Winner: Jareth, for the pedo-squick factor. Sure, Lily's supposed to be "innocent," but Sarah's explicitly underage. Also, have you seen those pants?

Biggest, *ahem* Screen Presence
Darkness--You know what they say about big horns, right?
Jareth--Pants, Magic Pants
Tie: While scale certainly does matter, Big D's, uh... big d. doesn't get framed as prominently as the Area. Nor does it have its own religion.

Magic
Winner: Darkness. Although Jareth's crystal balls appear more frequently, it's implied that, full power, Darkness could get up to some seriously bad shit.

Glitterificness
Winner: Jareth. Legend may have more glitter overall, but it belongs to the good guys.

Glam Alter Ego
Darkness: Dr. Frank N. Furter
Jareth: Ziggy Stardust
Winner: Jareth. It's really close, but he is the original glam rocker. Um... after Marc Bolan, that is. Ok, make that the original semi-fictitious glam rocker.

Rock Star Hook-up of Said Alter Ego
Darkness--Meatloaf
Jareth--Mick Jagger
Winner: Jareth. Allegedly.

Goblins
Winner: Jareth, because they're just so darn cute.

Surprisingly Bad Acting from Co-star
Darkness--Future Oscar nominee Tom Cruise
Jareth--Future Oscar winner Jennifer Connelly
Winner: Darkness. It was Connelly's first movie, so she had an excuse.

Music
Darkness--Lily's songs or Tangerine Dream, depending on the release
Jareth--80s Bowie
Winner--Darkness, even though it's not as bad as Tonight

Shipper Fuel
Winner: Jareth. Although I'm sure there's plenty of Darkness/Lily fic out there, the UST in Labyrinth is thicker than Ludo's fur. Plus, it helps that Jareth/Sarah is the only post-pubescent, non-squick ship available.

Longevity
Tie: The subtle psychological nuances have helped Labyrinth weather the years. And while the original US release of Legend is still pretty bad (especially when shown on late night TV), the director's cut is a vast improvement.

Fight Between Them
Winner: Darkness. I don't think Jareth could sing his way out of that one.

Ultimate Winner
The fans.

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